i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
