The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
