Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
