I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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