Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
