i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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