My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
