I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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