Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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