and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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