I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
