filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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