Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just sent this text using only my big toe
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He felt like a one man threesome
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
