She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
