hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
