Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
