No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
