Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
