I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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