So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
