Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
