god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
