I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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