i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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