I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
