so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
