i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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