How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
