party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
