I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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