ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
