Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
