does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
