yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
