He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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