I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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