Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
