I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
