I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
