How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
