woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
This show inspires me to have sex in space
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
