At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
