i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
