your parents love me but you hate me
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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