No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
