chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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