listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
