and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
