'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
