walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He passed out mid-signature
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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